I don’t quite understand the supposed link between this episode and the film Love Actually. First of all, I really want to write it with a comma: ‘Glee, Actually’. Secondly, yes, I get it Love Actually is about a bunch of separate stories at Christmas time interwoven and somehow linked loosely at the end, but isn’t that what Glee is anyway?
So what this episode attempts to do to recreate this by having five unrelated story lines, and rather than chopping them up like in a regular Glee episode – and, in fact, the movie Love Actually – they show the story lines in isolated lumps, one after another, and confusingly in non-chronological order. Kinda like five mini episodes back to back, so you can appreciate each little Christmas Miracle separately. Or, you know, go off and make a cup of tea during the stories you don’t care about.
Christmas Miracle #1: It’s an Artieful Life
After Artie has a accident with his wheelchair and some ice and wakes up in black and white, working legs, and everyone acting a bit differently…
Tina has a stutter again.
Becky is a slut.
Finn and the other glee boys are bullying Kurt
Kurt is still at McKinely, and not in New York! Even though Finn and Mike are also still here and Artie sees nothing wrong with this.
But worst of all, worse than all those other peculiar and horrible fates in this dystopian alternate reality…
No Blaine!? What kind of cruel unholy world is this!??
Artie goes to find his favourite teacher but he’s become an alcoholic!
And he’s still married to Terri!
And Terri is flirting with Artie…
And she has a plastic baby!
And oh god, Rachel is a librarian!
Artie’s guide – last season’s reject Irish Rory – explains that without Artie being in a wheelchair and therefore being obviously way too cool to be in the Glee Club, everyone would be living a miserable and Blaine-less existence and never would have realised their full potential
Artie decides the best way to help everyone is to bust into a musical number.
Although I can’t hope but notice a gleam of wonder in Finn’s eye.
Christmas Miricle #2: BLAINE
As if to remind you that there is one beautiful reality where Blaine Anderson exists – this one! – Burt Hummel gives Kurt the priceless Christmas present of:
An awkward ice-skating duet with your ex-boyfriend!
Oh, and also:
Christmas Miracle #3: The Most Jewish Christmas Ever
We finally have more than one Jewish character on this show (Rachel is what now?) so they’re able to do great and highly memorable performances like this:
Singing about… dradles? Or something…
Only to realise that L.A. sucks and they go back to Lima for a lovely Jewish family reunion. Just two half-brothers, and the women they’re father cheated on each other with.
Christmas Miracle #4: The World Didn’t End In 2012 After All
Brittany and Sam both believe that the Mayan Apocalypse will end the world on Dec 21st 2012. Because, you know, they’re both blonde and stupid. Har-di-har!
Sam takes this opportunity to show his love for Britt by reenacting the Jingle Bell Rock dance from Mean Girls.
Nah, not really. He dances around with some scantily dressed Cheerios. I’m sure Britt appreciated it.
And despite them only having got together last episode, they decide to get Mayan-married!
Only to wake up on the 22nd still alive !!!!
It turns out Beiste only pretend-Mayan-married them. Phew!
Christmas Miracle #5: Sue Grows A Heart (Like She Does Every Year)
Without too much fussing around with the hows and whys, Sue decides it’s time to stop being selfish and materialistic and start giving back.
Therefore she continues her annual tradition of breaking and entering
And leaving gifts in people’s homes
But she get’s rewarded for her troubles:
Merry Belated Christmas!