Putting it mildly: I don’t like exercise. Almost all things I like involve being fairly stationary, or at least seated. I had asthma as a child, which on the one hand: possible death, on the other hand: awesome excuses for getting out of physical activity. So I guess you could say that I’ve grown accustomed to not moving around a whole lot. That paired with my amour for food, doesn’t hold a lot of promise for my future health according to quote-unquote ‘doctors’. So I’ve been attending fitness classes with my lovely fiancée. I mean really I’m only there for moral support, obviously. But never-the-less, I’ve found myself looking at books and articles in the ten billion copies of various quote-unquote ‘lifestyle’ and ‘health’ magazines and exercise books around my fiancée’s family’s house to look at the things they suggest you do in your spare time to keep fit. There’s hundreds of miracle ‘I lost 20 stone in 2 months’ stories with the ‘secrets of my success’ suggestions, as well full-on your-life-is-now-in-my-hands lifestyle guides by fitness instructors and Pilates enthusiasts and Doctors-that-aren’t-really-Doctors wanting to look through your poo, and all them have stupidly pleasant smiles on their faces as if exercising can be made easy and glamorous with purely the thought of your life infinitely improving once you’ve lost weight due to their programmes.
So if you’re like me, and really can’t be bothered with jumping and stretching around the moment you wake up in the morning, or in fact at any point during the day, but realise it’s probably time you just try being bothered a bit of a go, here’s my little introduction to the World Of Exercise, with attempts to make it sound like any old lazy lump could do it. Coz if I can, you can.
Ways In Which One Can Exercise:
Don’t have weights? Yeah, neither do I. It seems that exercise costs tons of money just to get the bloody equipment, and who can be bothered with that? It’s like they’re just creating excuses for you not to exercise. But according to my various resources the sports shops are a lie, and you can just use things from your cupboards that have a bit of weight to them as substitutes. Perhaps a pair of Pepsi bottles, a couple of pounds of ham, cans of whipped cream… Maybe start off at first with something light like tubes of pringles, then later you can move on to something more advanced, like tubs of ice cream. Just leave snacking until after your finished.
I’m not going to go through all the moves because basically, they involve moving your arms. You can handle that right? Don’t get too energetic, this isn’t baton twirling, just use short simple motions like: lifting side to side, pulling back in a ‘skiing’ motion, lifting up to your sides, lifting up to your front… you could probably just follow a semaphore guide and get the same results. Maybe spell out H E L P M E to your neighbours.
Squats have been scientifically designed to make people look as silly as possible. The important difference I’ve learnt from the Pilates book is not to focus on the knees, but to lead with the butt. That’s right, stick your butt out. Do it – now. That’s right, like you’re about sit on the loo. Don’t forget to stick your arms in front of you for balance! Now, take a look in the mirror. Yeeeeah. Now repeat twelve times, like you mean it. Make sure the curtains are shut.
With a Chair
That’s right, fatties! You can exercise sitting down.
Exercise 1) This involves sitting on chair. Okay, got that bit? Now stand up. I know it’s hard, but no pain no gain. Standing up? Good. Now sit down. Repeat.
Exercise 2) Now that you’ve probably worn yourself out with all the standing and sitting you better take a bit of a rest. You can do some of the same Pepsi-bottle exercises from before with your arms whilst sitting down. Apparently it works the same. You probably don’t have to bother doing them standing up come to think of it. Hopefully you haven’t drunk the bottles yet, better have some more on standby just in case.
Exercise 3) Standing up again now, but fear not Lazy One, this time you can lean on the back of the chair for support. There are two basic moves here: 1) Lift a leg to the side as far up as it will go, whilst keeping it straight, and then down again. Repeat a few times, then again with the other leg. 2) The same, but lifting them backwards. These are supposed to tone your thighs or something, and if just lifting your leg a bit can lose you weight, imagine what walking to and from the fridge can do!
I read an article about a girl who went on a brisk stroll for 15 minutes out of her lunch hour every day for 6 months, and lost half a ton or something ridiculous, so you could start by doing that. Don’t worry, you’ll still have the other 45 minutes left to eat. Other tips suggested are getting up every time you want a glass of water instead of having a bottle beside you, so I guess you could do the same with food. Hide crisps around the house (like a treasure hunt!). Instead to ordering in, walk to the pizza shop and pick it up, and have the food go cold by the time you’re home. Then you won’t want to eat it (probably)! Calories saved!
That’s right, if you thought that sitting down whilst exercising was a pretty sweet situation, check out this – you can exercise Lying. Down. On the floor. You could probably even manage some of these in bed or on the sofa, although I doubt Rosemary Conley or the Pilates Lady would find that acceptable. And remember, like Santa Claus, they’re always watching you.
Exercise 1) Lie on your back – straight like an arrow, not flopped out like a dead body or you when you’ve just woken up – and bend your knees, feet flat on the floor. Then, lift your hips up. And back down again. And keep thrusting like that until someone’s uncomfortable.
Exercise 2) This is a favourite of mine. Lie like before, but on your belly. Spread your arms out in front, like Superman. Now imagine you’re actually Superman, and not just some tit lolloping around on your living room floor. Come on, spread your arms out, lift them off the floor, like you’re flying! Now, your feet too! Hold the pose, soak yourself up in the fantasy of being a superhero soaring across the sky, yada yada etc etc, for at least 10 seconds or however long it takes until the illusion dies. There, now you’ve toned your stomach or something.
So that’s your first workout over with. How’d you feel? Still looking like this?
More exercise-related antics to come.